cubishgrl

so i guess i can say whatever i want...which is a great feeling. but i am not going to say everything i want...because i dont want ppl to find out things and be scared like they were in the past. but it was a great feeling. it had been a long time and when i did it...it was like ridding a bike. i know it seems odd...because in reality...what i am talking about is VERY different than ridding a bike...but i dont know how else to explain it. but i want to do it again, but i know no one else would want me to.

I HATE WORK...with a passion...i can't do it...i am not an office kind of girl...sure i make look adorable in the clothes (just kidding) but i hate it!!! i am going to call my mom during my lunch break and see if i can quit cuz i just cannot handle this anymore!!! i want to be a college student...i want to have days off...i want to be able to fuck around without being worried...i want to be able to study!!! holy shit i just dont want to work...at least not at the law firm!!

I am in love...i didn't think this would happen...but it has...i can't tell any of my friends because they would think it is stupid...and they are already upset with us...the few ppl that say they want me to be happy...have no support for they few things that make me happy. but i love him...soooo much...i haven't felt like this in a long time...fuck...i have never felt like this...it is one of the most amazing things in the world...and i dont want it to go away because...it works...it just feels right...natural...we fit together...and i guess i need to learn not to need other ppls approval and shit...be it strangers or best friends...

so i guess that is all...

so my weekend was...fan-fucking-tastic!!!

i had alot of fun and i hung out with different people...and i really loved it...usually when i stay at irvine i end up on my computer the whole time or watching tv or reading...doing nothing...but not this weekend...

but this isnt about my weekend or what it entailed...i am not going to explain what happened or anything...i am just going to vent about some people who already do know what happen...and i am probably going to end up writing it to the actual people but no names...i dont want shit...not like anyone reads this

you fucking frustrate me so much...i have always been there for you since the start of this...and i know it hasnt been that long...but still...when you didnt have anything else you had me...and now this...i supported you no matter what...and then u make me feel like shit...it is about u...most of the time...sometimes...it is about me 2...but more so than not...it revolves around you...and i am ok with that...most of the time...i really am...because that is the kind of person you are and that is a part of who you are...i would never want to change you...but every once in a while...cant it be both of us...or just a little bit of me time...i dont know...you can sometimes make me feel bad about myself...but...i dont know...i know that the only reason i can be upset with you is because i love you so fucking much...but u made me feel like a failure...and that isnt what friends do...

argh confusion!!! so whats up?? it seems that now that i dont hang out with u...u want me to more...but why? you didnt want me...i told you how i felt and got nothing...and then u made me feel like u did...i dont know...so i dont know if i should feel bad or feel good or neither...i just needed time away but somehow you made me feel bad...and somehow u made me so angry...i got really mad...and that doesnt happen often...i just...argh

to a bunch of people:
you have never really been there for me before...and now...u want to give opinions...or make comments or jokes...yeah...not cool...i have supported everyone of you when u needed it...and now you guys look at me like i am not worth a second of your time...but i am cool with that...because if u dont want to be my friends...y would i try to beg you?? so make your choice...i have nothing against you...but i guess now u guys look down upon me...whatever...again it is up to you

so it sounds as if the whole weekend was negative...but just know that it was not...i made alot of new friends...well i knew everyone before...but hanging out with them made me love them more than i thought i could...most of all because they dont care what i do and dont do...they are cool with me no matter what...and i give them the same respect...

i just wish everyone would do that

so i just wrote a long entry a few minutes ago but my internet shut down...so i lost it...so this is going to be the short version/continuation of the one i was just writing.

there are so many things going on right now...and i dont like it...i want to go back to high school where things were easy and comfortable...now i have so many things going on....work friends relationships family...too much for me to handle...it was nice in highschool...no 9-5's (or 9-6 in my case), no 6 page papers, not stressful finals (yeah there were finals...but not like in college...), no driving in traffic, no drama(yeah high school has drama...but again it is different), everything is the same...nothing is new...and if anything is different than you STILL have everything that is the same to keep you sane...i dont know i just dont like it...it scares me...i dont do well with change and i dont like new things cuz i get scared...i want my old life back...

it is strange...i am not saying that i am sad about what is happening because it is all great...my new friends are amazing...my bf is great...i have a really good job...but it is just different.

i got bored today...and i puffy painted my phone...cuz it was already shit!

but then i got puffy paint on my jeans...oopsies...but it adds character!!! (i dont get that but whatever!!)

ok the end

i was bored...and i haven't posted in a fort night or so...(i cant remember what a fortnight is...but it sounded cool)

i am glad i cam to college and met the people i did...i have new best friends and i am sooo BLESSED...and i also have my old ones...

why am i so lucky...and y do i not realize it all the time?!?!

thank you all

i am at work at the moment....BOOO.

i finished my book...YAY!! now on to my third book in college...mr. murder perhaps...good ole dean koontz...if anyone has any suggestions to books i should read...let me know...

not like anyone reads this. haha yay for me talking to myself

i decided that i want to get skinny...and i am going to stop just complaining and eating all the time...i am gonna start eating less...and having smaller portions!!! and i want to start working out...go to the arc...do crunches at night...go for a jog instead of watch TV...i want to be little!!!

i am happy for myself...and i hope this works because it will be something to make ME feel better!!! yay

i am at work at the moment....BOOO.

i finished my book...YAY!! now on to my third book in college...mr. murder prehaps...good ole dean koontz...if anyone has any suggestions to books i should read...let me know...

not like anyone reads this. haha yay for me talking to myself

i decided that i want to get skinny...and i am going to stop just copmplaining and eating all the time...i am gonna start eating less...and having smaller portions!!! and i want to start working out...go to the arc...do crunches at night...go for a jog instead of watch TV...i want to be little!!!

i am happy for myself...and i hope this works because it will be something to make ME feel better!!! yay

Things have been getting better!!

well yesterday i had the WORST day that i have had in a LOOOOONG time!!! u know those days where things just keep getting worse and worse...yeah it was like that...it is a long story so i wont bother getting into it...but then i got to go to this drama thing in canoga park (super far away but worth it!!) and i had tons of fun...i went with my bf and i met a bunch of his friends...it was good.

i skipped my psych class today cuz i give up...not really but it isnt worth going half the time!! and then i woke up and had AIDS discussion...i heart that class...and i really enjoy it!!

things are starting to look up!!!

Why do i do the things i do...

i don't do it for myself anymore. i am kind of tired of it to. i surround myself with some people that...well they just dont make me happy. i push away from those who do.

dont get me wrong, i have people around me that DO make me happy. but really...do i need a boy to make me happy?! i shouldnt. in the past it has been the boys who make me cry, or who make me do stupid things. so why even bother?! i dont know...maybe it is because the world is telling us that we need to be in relationships in order to be a happy functioning person. but i dont think we do...i think that we should decide!!

i know this sounds stupid...it is more just me trying to convince myself...what am i trying to convince myself...sometimes i need to talk or write things out in order to realize...i am trying to convince myself...that i dont need boys...i dont need anyone...i have done it by myself most of my life...i have made it here on my own...but then again...i havent turned out to be the most well balanced person there is...

im just not interested anymore...at first it was cute...and dont get me wrong...i have tons of fun...its just...i dont know...i think i want something else...something more...someone who can make me happy...and that

my door just opened...creepy. ANYWAY

and that i am happy with...and proud of...and i dont know...makes me happy with myself...and makes me whole...

i know it is a bit fairytale-ish...but don't we all deserve our own dream...our own wishes and deepest desires...no matter if it is far fetched. we shouldnt settle for anything less than a dream come true

i am ok.

i am ok.

i am ok.

(maybe if i keep telling myself that i will finally believe it)

Thank God for Grace...thank you, i dont know where i would be right now...u are the only one i can talk to here.

i have a bf...he is sweet...

i have friends who love me...

i have a great family...

school is going ok...

but i...am not ok

so i dont really know how to use this yet...or how to find people i know...which is a BIT frustrating...just to warn you...if there is a YOU who is reading this...which there probably isnt because i am NOT that interesting...oh back to warning...i cannot spell very well...i will make an attempt but most of the time...that attempt is a failure!! ok well i am at work right now so later i will come back on and perhaps figureout how to work this thing...so i can have friends!!